It's like almost 11pm on Friday and I'm sitting here, alone, listening to Billy Squier and hoping my heart doesn't burst and make a mess of my freshly cleaned house. today/tonight has been a pretty kick ass time for little ole me. I've been trying to figure out a super cool "dooce"-ish way to talk about how I've been feeling lately and, well, nothings come to me. Pretty much because I'm not heather Armstrong, and I won't ever be. Pretty much because, let's face it, I'm not her. I am me. Michelle. And, as much as I don't believe it. as much as I doubt myself, fact remains, I'm okay. maybe even, GASP, cool. . . . . . . . shut it!
Here's the thing. I believe in the idea that you can judge a person by the company they keep. There has been plenty people I've given the benefit of the doubt solely because they knew people I knew were okay. So you would think that I would apply that to my own life and believe in myself, right? But, here's the thing. I don't. I have to force myself to believe it. i have to REMIND myself that I have KICK ASS friends and, therefore, MUST be (semi) cool , by association. But did you see that? I did it just now. Those parenthesis. ^ up there. That's me talking myself out of what I'm trying to convince my brain of believing. that's me saying "i should believe I'm cool because I have cool friends" when in reality I'm a self doubting, insecure, mess.
and then I wonder, are we all a self-doubting, insecure, mess?
the more I listen to people, the harder I dig to get to the truth, the less I assume what others are thinking. Everyday I realize that we are all in the same, EXACT, boat. We all lay in bed at night thinking "why did I eat that?", "did I really say that!!?", "did I say something that made her not call", "have I worked hard enough to keep my job?", "am I good enough?" "am I good enough?"
How do we get past that? "Am I good enough?" I know you do it. I know you do because, well, you.... you are....human, and (I've decided/learned) that we all question ourselves. Like, endlessly.
In this year of change, in this time with Obama and shit, I'm played lemming and fallen for this "be change' campaign. Ya, whatever. I'm a skeptic (yeah, I said it) but in the spirit of change I've decided to reflect on myself. I can see that this is time to fix myself. I mean I might as well make some attempt at making a difference, right? So here's my Pledge. I pledge to believe in myself. I will believe that I ROCK. I will believe that because my parents rocked and that they taught me well. I will believe because all the people I know are NOT wrong about me. I will believe that even thought my children are little mini-me's, it's impossible for them to be any cooler! I will believe because my husband is the single coolest person on the planet, and he things the same of me. I believe because I am a child of God and He knows what He's doing.
I pledge to believe, IN ME. In that the possibilities are endless. I will love more. Trust more. Do more. Change more. Believe more. Gossip less. Hate less. Doubt less. Judge Less.
Love more. hate less.
that is my pledge. what's yours?
4 days ago