I've been sitting here staring at a flashing cursor and mocking keyboard for nearly an hour. I don't know what to say about today, December 1st. I have these thoughts bouncing around my brain - wanting to come out, but, at best, colliding with each other and multiplying. Is that fusion? fission? either way, it's compli-freaking-cated up in there.
anyway. a year ago today my brother and I became orphans after our father passed away. It's been a year of firsts, that essentially ended last week with Thanksgiving dinner. Even though he died many days after last Thanksgiving, that day was pretty much the last day I remember thinking he was going to be okay. The next day everything changed and I knew he was going to die. It marked the beginning of the end.
It's been a crazy year. Mostly good. Some bad. A little bit very bad. But really, mostly good. And we've stuck it out. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I've found, though, that in my dad's passing, I've missed my mom more. He was my conduit to her. He was the only person who I talked to every day who really knew her. I took for grated that I could always ask him when I wondered what Mom might think.
I leaned on her a lot, more and more as I got older. She was an amazingly diverse person and I learned as a young adult to never assume what she was going to say or believe on any subject. She was full of surprises and always made me really think about things. We agreed on many things, which was always cool, but there were so many times she surprised me with a different point of view. Once she was gone I realized quickly how much I missed discovering her thoughts on any myriad of subjects. She was always educated, passionate, well spoken and sincere about everything, big or small.
You see now why I've been sitting here so long? These thoughts flood my mind. I start with my dad, and everything quickly swings to my mom. That's not because I wasn't close to him. Shit, I am him. We were super close. Everything I love, and hate, about myself I got from him. As soon as I was allowed to stay up late, you could find us in the living room well into the night, talking about life, and God, and nothing and everything. I knew him because I am him. So when I miss him a mirror isn't too far away, and there he is.
One of the cooler things that's happened this year is my mom started visiting me again. I thank my daddy for that. I'd told him the story of her (and my mother in law) visiting me right after Sarah was born. Neither of them were able to meet her, but I could feel them there, watching over her. Racing past my bedroom door. At first it scared me and I finally asked them to stop. And they did. He knew how much I regretted asking that. I believe he convinced them it was okay, that I wouldn't be afraid this time, and that they should come back to see the kids, because once again I can feel them here. And this time, I say HI.
He doesn't hang around much. Not the manly thing to do I suppose, be the lurking angel! HA! I like to think he still up there asking all these questions, getting all the answers, that we'd talked about all those late nights. And besides, he doesn't have to stop by. My house is covered in mirrors, so it's not hard to see him any time I want.
4 days ago